When my husband, James, and I spoke about having children we intended that it would be something that arrived with ease - meaning no specific timing, no 'baby making', just being in a state of ease. We'd let it happen...
I conceived within a month. The first trimester was super easy — no morning sickness just a lot of craving fruits and vegetables.
Again, effortless and easy.
After 3 weeks in the Caribbean, we arrived back in NYC. At 20 weeks, we decided to make the big announcement on Facebook — the Mansfields are having a baby!!!! I was finally able to share our exciting news with the world!
The next day, I went in for a regular 20-week ultrasound. All was well until the last measurement - my cervix.
My sister and husband were in the room, and we could tell something was wrong. The technician had a look of concern on her face and rushed out of the room.
Within a couple of minutes, I had a doctor at my bedside asking me to go immediately to the next floor.
Apparently, my cervix was too short and dilated for my current stage.
I was admitted and underwent a cerclage (a stitch placed in my cervix).
It was a whirlwind - I went in for an hour long visit and ended up in the hospital for 3 days.
Even more fascinating is that I went from “this is so fun and easy” to “holy crap what is going on”?
The lowest point was when they began describing that basically we could lose baby Mansfield. I was scared, starting to feel the loss even though there was no loss. I began to wonder if I should have announced it? OMG did I jinx it?! What does it mean for my fertility? What does it mean for us as a couple?
I could be zen when everything was *perfect* and easy. But, when my circumstances changed, I started to feel distressed.
Then I made a choice. I decided to focus on all that was going well.
- I had been home from a 3 week long vacation for less than 48 hours
- I had a routine visit and they noticed something that was asymptomatic
- They caught a potentially life-threatening issue for Baby Mansfield
- They fixed it to the best of their ability
- My admission time was short because a midwife from the practice I choose happened to be there
- My new OB happened to be there
- I heal really quickly because I'm healthy and have a stress-free life
- I can hang out in bed and not miss doing work - I work from bed anyway!
- This baby has its own wisdom
- My body has its own wisdom
- The hospital is a 9 minute walk from my home
- My sister who is a doctor happened to be there and was a great support to us
The list went on and on - my mood improved more and more.
As I type this I'm lying in bed exhausted from a shower (how lucky am I to be out of the hospital in the comfort of my home surrounded by my sister, husband and cat?).
Even though circumstances have changed, James and I are still committed to experiencing ease in this pregnancy - no matter what happens.
It's always a choice to focus on how you want to feel.
It's not always easy, but there can always be ease. I find silly things upsetting me all the time...but that is the practice, isn't it?
Pick something that is bugging you and make a different choice that feels better...don't worry if you mess it up. Just choose again!
Life is always going to happen - you get to decide how you feel about it - keep making a new choice until you feel just a little bit better. Then a little bit more...it gets easier - I promise.